Deliah’s Survivor Story

Healing from losing a loved one to suicide can be a long process.

For some it can take a few months, for some it will take many years. Often times the ex girlfriend/boyfriend feels most afraid of everyone, for they were the easy target for people to point fingers at. Everyone is hurt, and sometimes all the people who were hurt tend to go against each other. Everyone’s situation is different, but everyone has one unfortunate thing in common. They are hurt. They lost a loved one who can never be replaced.

It took me a very long time to find myself again. I forgot who I was, what I meant to my family. It wasn’t only a tragedy; but a path to rediscovering who I was, who I am. I was 19 when I first heard the news from the RCMP that my ex boyfriend committed suicide. I was in shock, to the point where I didn’t know how to react. The pounding in my guts were going faster than a race car. The fear in my soul weighed heavier than a ton of gravity.

The darkest day in my life was August 25 2008. That was the day after the terrifying news. I learned that I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 3 years old. I battled suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I refused counseling for I was lost. I was full of questions which I demanded answers and let me to anger. I couldn’t stand anyone looking at me for a minute. I was a walking zombie.

The minute I found out I was pregnant, I chose to stick to the Nunavut Teachers Education Program. It was my first year of College. What a challenge it was for me to put effort into living a social life. I was most often depressed. I hid my pain. All day long I thought of what happened. I hated myself. I am almost finished with my first year of teaching grade 3 students. Blessed I am for having the opportunity to be a part of their lives. I will be going back to NTEP to finish my last year of the program.

After his death, so many sad thoughts lingered all day long. I had no hope, no motivation, but I attended classes anyway. My relationships with everyone changed. It was hard not to hurt others, because I was too hurt myself. I have been so lucky to have relatives/friends who love me unconditionally. They stood by me even during the times I couldn’t stand my own self. I have friends whom I cried to once in a very long while. The people who helped me the most were the people who didn’t say stuff like, “You can get over it. It’ll pass. You are strong” It was those who hugged me and allowed me to cry my pain out. But it doesn’t mean none of their efforts to help me mattered. They all did, and I am grateful they cared for me.

But keep in mind that we all grieve differently. Go and find a new hobby. I often researched online of how I can help myself. I read many books about suicide, I looked for different counselors, I spent many hours sewing, I went for walks, I prayed to God, I cried to someone I trust, I vented out to friends who were capable of taking anger from a loved one. They weren’t all patient, I lost some people who were once close to me.

That doesn’t mean I am a bad person. They aren’t bad people either. It just shows that I was too lost and confused that what was important in my life no longer mattered. Priorities in my life no longer existed. It has been almost 4 years since the day he chose to end his life. I have learned so much about who I am, and who I should be. Thanks to those who were strong for me.

I couldn’t talk openly about my experience because it was so embarrassing. Time passed, and I chose to put effort into changing my circumstance. I am now standing up and speaking to those who need help. The experience itself made me feel like I hit the deepest depths of the ocean. I never thought I would talk about my life openly. I decided to put my experience to good use by sharing with those who need help. Some people may say this and that about me, but I have no control to stop gossip. Who does? Never mind the negative remarks some people say, they don’t know their future. They don’t know what is ahead of their lives, but never have joy in an enemy who is hurting/suffering. Don’t stumble and remind them how they have hurt you. Just show compassion like those who show compassion to you.

Life is short, don’t choose to make it shorter than it should be. I have been at the end of my rope many times, but I reached out when I could no longer bear what I was feeling. Some day I will have to explain to my daughter about her late father who never got to find out that I was pregnant. I don’t know how she will take it, but one thing I do know is that she will know I have been strong for her. Being strong doesn’t mean never breaking down, and losing my cool. Being strong means dealing with the pain now and knowing there are better days ahead. Keep your head up, for you never know what will come your way. Also never forget to forgive the person you lost to suicide. More importantly, forgive YOURSELF! Don’t live in guilt. Practice forgiving yourself on a daily basis and believe that you deserve to be happy again.